At this moment in time we’d like to inviteFirst Class passengers only to board the aircraft. Thank you for waiting. We now extend our invitation to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and Excelsior members, followed by triple, double and single Platinum members, followed by Gold and Silver Card members, followed by Pearl and Coral Club members. Military personnel in uniform may also board at this time. Thank you for waiting. We now invite Bronze Alliance Members and passengers enrolled in our Rare Earth Metals Points and Reward Scheme to come forward, and thank you for waiting. Thank you for waiting. Accredited Beautiful People may now board, plus any gentleman carrying a copy of this month’s Cigar Aficionado magazine, plus subscribers to our Red Diamond, Black Opal or Blue Garnet promotion. We also welcome Sapphire, Ruby and Emerald members at this time, followed by Amethyst, Onyx, Obsidian, Jet, Topaz and Quartz members. Priority Lane customers, Fast Track customers, Chosen Elite customers, Preferred Access customers and First Among Equals customers may also now board. On production of a valid receipt travellers of elegance and style wearing designer and/or hand-tailored clothing to a minimum value of ten thousand US dollars may now board; passengers in possession of items of jewellery (including wristwatches) with a retail purchase price greater than the average annual salary of a mid-career high school teacher are also welcome to board. Also welcome at this time are passengers talking loudly into cellphone headsets about recently completed share deals property acquisitions and aggressive takeovers, plus hedge fund managers with proven track records in the undermining of small-to-medium-sized ambitions. Passengers in classes Loam, Chalk, Marl and Clay may also board. Customers who have purchased our Dignity or Morning Orchid packages may now collect their sanitised shell suits prior to boarding. Thank you for waiting. Mediocre passengers are now invited to board, followed by passengers lacking business acumen or genuine leadership potential, followed by people of little or no consequence, followed by people operating at a net fiscal loss as people. Those holding tickets for zones Rust, Mulch, Cardboard, Puddle and Sand might now want to begin gathering their tissues and crumbs prior to embarkation. Passengers either partially or wholly dependent on welfare or kindness, please have your travel coupons validated at the Quarantine Desk. Sweat, Dust, Shoddy, Scurf, Faeces, Chaff, Remnant, Ash, Pus, Sludge, Clinker, Splinter and Soot; all you people are now free to board.
Simon Armitage/Thank You for Waiting
At this moment in time we’d like to inviteFirst Class passengers only to board the aircraft. Thank you for waiting. We now extend our invitation to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and Excelsior members, followed by triple, double and single Platinum members, followed by Gold and Silver Card members, followed by Pearl and Coral Club members. Military personnel in uniform may also board at this time. Thank you for waiting. We now invite Bronze Alliance Members and passengers enrolled in our Rare Earth Metals Points and Reward Scheme to come forward, and thank you for waiting. Thank you for waiting. Accredited Beautiful People may now board, plus any gentleman carrying a copy of this month’s Cigar Aficionado magazine, plus subscribers to our Red Diamond, Black Opal or Blue Garnet promotion. We also welcome Sapphire, Ruby and Emerald members at this time, followed by Amethyst, Onyx, Obsidian, Jet, Topaz and Quartz members. Priority Lane customers, Fast Track customers, Chosen Elite customers, Preferred Access customers and First Among Equals customers may also now board. On production of a valid receipt travellers of elegance and style wearing designer and/or hand-tailored clothing to a minimum value of ten thousand US dollars may now board; passengers in possession of items of jewellery (including wristwatches) with a retail purchase price greater than the average annual salary of a mid-career high school teacher are also welcome to board. Also welcome at this time are passengers talking loudly into cellphone headsets about recently completed share deals property acquisitions and aggressive takeovers, plus hedge fund managers with proven track records in the undermining of small-to-medium-sized ambitions. Passengers in classes Loam, Chalk, Marl and Clay may also board. Customers who have purchased our Dignity or Morning Orchid packages may now collect their sanitised shell suits prior to boarding. Thank you for waiting. Mediocre passengers are now invited to board, followed by passengers lacking business acumen or genuine leadership potential, followed by people of little or no consequence, followed by people operating at a net fiscal loss as people. Those holding tickets for zones Rust, Mulch, Cardboard, Puddle and Sand might now want to begin gathering their tissues and crumbs prior to embarkation. Passengers either partially or wholly dependent on welfare or kindness, please have your travel coupons validated at the Quarantine Desk. Sweat, Dust, Shoddy, Scurf, Faeces, Chaff, Remnant, Ash, Pus, Sludge, Clinker, Splinter and Soot; all you people are now free to board.