Meggie Royer/Kendimi Öldürdükten Sonraki Sabah


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; uyandım. Kahvaltı hazırladım kendime yatakta. Tuz ve biber ektim yumurtalarıma ve tost makinemi peynirli bacon sandviç için kullandım. Üzüm sıktım bardağa. Kalıntıları kazıdım tavadan ve sildim tereyağını tezgahtan. Bulaşıkları yıkadım ve havluları katladım.


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; aşık oldum. Sokağın aşağısındaki çocuğa veya ortaokul müdürüne değil ama. Her gün koşan adama veya avokadoları her zaman poşetin dışında bırakan manava değil. Anneme ve odamda otururken koleksiyonumdaki taşları, taşlar terden kararana kadar avuçlarında tutma şekline aşık oldum. Notumu şişeye koyup nehrin aşağısında akıntıya gönderen babama aşık oldum. Bir zamanlar unicorn'lara inanan ve şimdi okuldaki masasında hala var olduğuma umarsızca inanmaya çalışan erkek kardeşime...


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; köpeği yürüttüm. Bir kuş yakından geçtiğinde kuyruğunun oynayışını ve kedi gördüğünde adımlarının hızlanışını seyrettim. Gözlerindeki boşluğu gördüm bir ağaç dalına ulaştığında ve yakalamaca oynayacağımızdan beni selamlamak için döndüğünde arkasını. Ancak olduğum yerde gökyüzünden başka bir şey göremedi. Ağzını okşayan yabancıların yanında durdum ve bir zamanlar benim dokunuşlarıma yaptığı gibi bıraktı kendini onların dokunuşlarına. 


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; iki yaşındayken çimentolarına ayak izlerimi bıraktığım avlularına gittim komşularımın ve izlerimin nasıl yok olduklarını inceledim. Biraz gün zambağı topladım, birkaç ot ayıkladım ve ölüm haberimin yazılı olduğu gazeteyi okuyan yaşlı kadını seyrettim penceresinden. Kocasının mutfak lavabosuna tütün tükürdüğünü ve kadına günlük ilaçlarını götürdüğünü gördüm. 


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; güneşin doğuşunu seyrettim. Her bir portakal ağacı açıldı bir el gibi ve sokağın aşağısındaki çocuk kırmızılaşan o bulutu gösterdi annesine.


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; morgdaki o cesete döndüm geri ve aklını başına getirmeye çalıştım. Avokadolardan ve atlama taşlarından, nehirden ve ebeveynlerinden bahsettim. Günbatımlarımdan ve köpekten ve sahilden...


Kendimi öldürdükten sonraki sabah; öldürmemeyi denedim kendimi ama başladığım işi bitiremedim.




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Meggie Royer/The Morning After I Killed Myself

 



The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

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Arnold M. Ludwig/King of the Mountain


s. 2: 

"Essentially all the rulers of all the nations in the world during the past century have been men. Despite the advances made by women during the last part of this past century, especially in democratic nations, males still dominate the global political scene. Even more telling, no woman rules as a dictator or wields absolute power. If a wily and persistent Eve could have tempted a rather dull-witted Adam to defy the Lord’s instructions and eat the forbidden fruit, then surely more clever and resourceful women throughout the ages should have been able to circumvent male hegemony in society at large and displace them as rulers, despite being handicapped by the burden of child-bearing, a relative lack of strength, and the oppressive efforts of men to keep them in their place."

"No identifiable form of intelligence, talent, genius, or even experience seems necessary for ruling a country. Would-be rulers do not have to pass qualifying examinations in leadership or demonstrate competence in administration or show skill in diplomacy. They do not need to have good communication skills or even be popular with their subjects. While many leaders are imaginative, worldly, and intelligent, others are pedestrian, narrow-minded, and ignorant, which suggests that demonstrated ability or achievement has little to do with securing the highest office in the land."

s. 3:

"Throughout history, rulers who attain legendary status often tend to be those who have conquered other nations, won major wars, expanded their country’s boundaries, founded new nations, forcibly transformed their societies, and imposed their own beliefs on their subjects. In short, they have killed, plundered, oppressed, and destroyed. Rarely do rulers achieve greatness who have been ambassadors for peace, kept the status quo, defended free speech, promoted independent thinking, and avoided wars at all costs."

s. 4:

"People may choose to ignore their animal heritage by interpreting their behavior as divinely inspired, socially purposeful, or even self-serving, all of which they attribute to being human; but they masticate, defecate, masturbate, fornicate, and procreate much as chimps and other apes do, so they should have little cause to get upset if they learn that they act like other primates when they politically agitate, debate, abdicate, placate, and administrate, too."

s. 12:

"In democracies there are no outright physical battles to establish political dominance among contestants, but something metaphorically equivalent still takes place during elections. It is therefore no accident that so much military terminology should be used to describe political “campaigns.” Opponents do “battle” and “face off ” against each other in debates and speeches. They raise a “war chest” to support their campaign. They classify others as “doves or hawks.” They do not bare their teeth or pound their chests or display their rears, but each candidate presents himself as tougher and more qualified than the other. They try to maintain control over the “rank and file” and keep them from “breaking rank.” With tough decisions, they “hold the line,” “bite the bullet,” or “stick to their guns.” Their advisors offer them “briefings.” They wage a “war of words,” “attack” the positions of the other, or “ride roughshod” over the opposition. Opponents accuse them of doing an “about face” or being guilty of “appeasement.” They call out the “big guns” or create a “task force” to deal with difficult matters and declare “wars” on poverty or drugs or crime. They resort to “dirty tricks,” use “underhanded tactics,” or “stonewall” the press. The loser “concedes defeat” to the victor after an election. And then victory celebrations are held. So although new democratic leaders do not actually take power by physical force, they engage in symbolic battles through their words. Perhaps that is why more lawyers than soldiers become leaders in democracies."

s. 20: 

"At a less fanciful level, taking the basic physical attributes and mental capacities of higher primates as givens, the process of natural selection could have tried the daring experiment of favoring menopausal females, who no longer had the responsibilities of child-rearing, as rulers instead of priapic men, dedicated to proving their manhood. That way, instead of a society in which potentially the dumbest, strongest, or most ferocious primate could be in charge, the most empathetic, the most caring, and the most nurturing could be, assuming these traits to be more feminine in nature."

s. 22-23:

"While being intelligent, competent, well-educated, and emotionally stable does not bar you from holding high office, you also can be the ruler of a nation if you have never read a book, do not know how to make a budget, still count with your fingers, take delight in murdering and torturing people, stay zonked out on drugs or alcohol during cabinet meetings, pay more attention to the imaginary voices in your head than to your advisors, or, simply put, are ignorant, demented, or crazy. With notable exceptions, the one thing you cannot be as a ruler is a woman."

Over the entire twentieth century, only 27 of the 1,941 rulers from all the independent countries all over the world have been women. That is only 1.4 percent! You then have to temper your interpretation of this statistic with the fact that almost half of these women rulers gained power only because of the infectious charisma that came from being “widows-of-Him” or “daughters-of-Him”—the “Him” being their martyred or revered husbands or fathers—and because of a desire to carry on their mission. When you subtract these widows-of-Him and daughters-of-Him from the total list of women rulers (because their qualifications for high office seem due more to the people’s admiration for the dead husband or father than to their own popular appeal), you are left with about three-quarters of 1 percent—0.78 percent to be exact—who became leaders not as standins for the dead but as standalones for their living selves. In other words, the odds against a women gaining ultimate power on her own merits are well over a hundred to one.

s. 33:

"Ibn Saud, for example, hired an Egyptian religious sheikh by the name of Muhammad Tammimi to fabricate a family tree that proved him to be a direct descendent of the Prophet so that he could gain acceptance from his people after he had defeated three of the more established families who ruled what is now Saudi Arabia. In an amazing feat of genealogical legerdemain that likely spanned over sixty generations, even without access to Internet search engines, Tammimi did this persuasively enough to convince Saud that Allah had entrusted him with the mission of uniting the kingdom to make the Arabs once again a great power and the champions of Islam. Later, King Farouk of Egypt also hired the same family-tree maker to construct a suitable religious lineage for himself. Again, the scholar, in another virtuoso performance, presumably found enough unsuspected kin to fill in the many generational gaps between his current patron and Fatima, daughter of the Prophet."

s. 34: 

"There is no more fitting prototype for a tyrant than Francois Duvalier, also known as “Papa Doc,” who unleashed the Tonton Macoutes (“Bogeymen”), a private force of hooligans, to murder suspected foes of the regime and terrorize the population of Haiti. During the early part of his fourteen-year “papadocracy,” Duvalier set a target for his government of killing three hundred men a year. But being an extremely ambitious person, he kept raising the bar for himself, so in time he was sometimes able to match his original quota in a single month. However, this dubious achievement was marred by his cheating, because toward the end of his rule he stopped exempting women and children as victims."

s. 37:

"There is no room for pluralism, deviationism, or individuality in a totalitarian society; the dreams of the visionary are more than sufficient for all. “I am your dreams,” Kemal Atatürk told his countrymen, expressing the sentiments of all visionaries, and then informed them about what he had dreamed for them."

s. 39:

"After being elected prime minister of his newly independent country, he was hailed throughout the world for being a great statesman and peacemaker for his efforts to reassure the remaining white farmers and businessmen that their skills were important for the economy and they would have a substantial representation in parliament—not that the representation would mean much, since Mugabe mostly acted autocratically without consulting parliament, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless. At least in this fledgling democracy, Mugabe treated both whites and blacks equally. Neither group had much say in running the government."

s. 43:

"As proof of the democratic process in action, he (Hafız Al-Assad) ordered a public referendum in 1971, which gave him a 99.2 percent approval rating as president. Buoyed by these results, he ordered another referendum in 1978, which gave him a 99.6 percent approval rating, and another one in 1985, which gave him a 99.9 percent approval rating. Rumor had it that in the latest referendum he garnered a 104.3 percent rating, but, at the last minute, his minister of finance, who was a mathematical whiz, convinced him not to release the results since that left the opposition with only 5.7 percent of the total vote—too small a percentage to be credible."

s. 46:

"Conversely, benevolent dictators have brought peace, stability, economic prosperity, and even greater freedom to countries, or have kept political anarchy from arising. Under Mikhail Gorbachev, the people of the Soviet Union experienced an unprecedented amount of personal freedom. Through military rule, Atatürk was able to lay the groundwork for democracy and a secular state in Turkey."

s. 54:






s. 56:

"A past king of Benin had somewhere between six hundred and four thousand wives. The likely reason for this large discrepancy in numbers was not due to the inability of his court chroniclers to count but because of his generous practice of giving wives away to those who had rendered him service, so the numbers were always changing."

s. 57: 

"When asked why he had so many wives, King Chulalongkorn of Sri Lanka said that he could not wound the feelings of the princes and nobles who were kind enough to present him with their beautiful and fascinating daughters. But there were practical reasons for his having an estimated thirty-six to eighty-four wives. By making sure that women throughout the kingdom shared his bedroom, he could ensure that the various ethnic groups throughout the country had equal representation. This was his creative version of democracy in action."

s. 59:

"Atatürk, the founder of modern Turkey and a saint-like symbol for many of his countrymen, who was promiscuous all his life with women, perhaps best sums up the prevailing attitude of all these rulers. Asked once what qualities he admired most in a woman, he replied, “Availability.” "

s. 62:

"It is not that these leaders decided to forgo sex out of a deep spiritual conviction, as did Morarji Desai, prime minister of India from 1977 to 1979, who, like Mahatma Gandhi, took the vow of celibacy but, in his case, only after having five children and probably being too old to perform."

s. 66:

"[Jean-Bédel Bokassa] named seven daughters Marie after their grandmother, Marie Yokowa; he named four sons Jean—Jean-Bertrand, Jean-Legrand, Jean-Serge, and Jean-Ives—after himself; and he used other clever memory joggers for his other children. That way the likelihood of his using the wrong names for his children and hurting their feelings was greatly reduced."

s. 70:

"Jean-Bédel Bokassa also built the largest industrial complex at his palace, where government employees made records, bricks, furniture, and school uniforms, which he generously sold tax-free to the state. Ever resourceful, he saw opportunities for graft everywhere. For instance, when President Charles de Gaulle gave him a present of a DC4, he sold the plane to Air Afrique. After the airline repaired it, he seized it on some pretext when it landed on a nearby airfield and then rented it to the state for his own use on official trips."

s. 72:

Then, of course, there was Mobutu Sese Seko, who renamed himself Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngebendu wa za Bangathe, which officially means, “The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and will to win, goes from conquest to conquest leaving fire in his wake.” 

s. 73:

After his pilgrimage to Mecca, Ahmadu Ahidjo was designated “El Hadj” according to a well-known Islamic custom, so his full title now became, “His Excellency El Hadj Ahmadu Ahidjo, President of the Federal Republic of Cameroon, Father of the Nation, Pioneer of Negritude, Prophet of Pan Africanism, Defender of African Dignity.






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